Entry 7, The No-Show

By luck or chance, I noticed one of my dating apps sent me a notification.  Someone matched with me!  I signed in and realized this match is a woman who actually lives in the same town as I do.  I thought this could be a wonderful opportunity to date someone a few minutes away instead of a few hundred miles away as I have been accustomed to.  It's stange how I have more dates and better dates with women living in Utah than I do East Idaho, but that's a topic for another post. 

So, I sent this new match a message and she replied within minutes.  A good sign for sure.  We continued trading messages for about an hour.  I found myself fighting the feeling to be excited, but it was tough not to be hopeful.  We traded messages and pics that evening and I felt good about asking her to meet.  This should be common knowledge that you don't drag out swapping messages on a dating app.  You really should meet face to face sooner than later.  Naturally, I asked her to meet and a time was set.  She gave me her phone number right after this--awesome!

She texted me the next day and we had a nice moment visiting.  More information was exchanged and we found ourselves flirting with one another.  I was enjoying how it all was going.  We had a good flow of questions and answers, there was a bit of flirting, and we had a meet and greet planned.  Then, the next morning, I get a text saying how she has "issues" and that she is afraid of rejection.  I did my best to identify and validate her feelings.  She complimented me for communicating well and changed her mind about our meeting.  I was relieved and we continued texting for about another hour.

It was now time for our meeting. I sent her a text saying I was on my way.  I got there on time but she was nowhere to be seen.  I waited for 30 minutes and sent her another text saying that I had went home and hoped everything was ok with her.  I received a text from her about 3 hours later saying she had something going on with her daughter and that her phone was dead and just barely had it charged.  (Really?  How many of us let our phone just die and how long does it take to charge it?  The circumstances were fishy.) In spite of my suspicions, I chose to trust her reasons and suggested she propose another time to meet.  After all, she didn't expressly claim cold feet or some other fear.  I haven't heard from her since that text.

The big question on my mind is, why use a dating site if you aren't willing to date?  Also, is it really too much of a burden to say you aren't interested?  While I can't claim to know with certainty why this woman didn't show, I am comfortable with my guess.  It's too bad, but this happens more often than not.  We will have matches who just quit sending messages or won't show up to meet.  Some claim it's too easy to do these things or that they don't want to confront you with bad news but isn't it odd how this would have been done via text, so why not just be up front? It's not like we would be talking this through on the phone or even face to face.

Entry 6, The Numbers

I thought I would list out the number of women I have met, dates I have had, phone numbers given, etc.  This is not done to boast or anything of the sort.  It's just that I see the value of facts and figures, so this is to help me as much it is to illustrate what happens when we men return to the dating world. 

My first meeting was on November 29, 2017.  Since that time there have been:

Women met face to face -- 29
Dates/Meet and Greets -- at least 95
Women kissed -- 7
Phone numbers, but no face to face -- 18
Relationships -- 2

This is as of June 23, 2019

Granted, some of these categories reflect my preferences and interpretations.  I mean, I am sure I could have kissed more of the women I met and I know other men would have done so.  The phone number category is also this way as all sorts of circumstances interfered with landing dates.  My number of dates is just an estimate as I have not kept exact track of the amount of dates I have had.

So there you have it.  Perhaps this will give you an idea of what to expect when you start using the dating apps.  As with many things, YMMV...

Entry 5, Dry Spells

I'm sitting here looking over the various dating apps of mine.  I see 3 women who haven't responded in 2 weeks or more.  This means that there's something more to their absence than simply being "busy". I'll write them off as ghosts.  One woman told me she wasn't feeling anything romantic with me.  That's funny because we haven't even met...not sure how romance can be had with some text messages here and there.  So that one's out.  There's 1 woman who went weird after a couple of days of messenging.  I bowed out of that one.  No, I didn't ghost.  I told her I'm not 420 friendly and don't drink.  Anyway, yeah, I think my options are gone right now.

This is the third time in my dating efforts that I hit a dry spell.  The first time I actually concluded I had seen all the locally available women on these apps and figured I was back to having friends and family set me up.  I stopped checking my apps for almost 2 months.  On a particularly boring night I signed back in and found a few dozen profiles I hadn't seen before.  I remember feeling quite relieved at that.  The second dry spell didn't bother me nearly as much and I had a date after a month of nothing. 

Now that I am at my third, the surprise is absent, but I am just a little annoyed.  Annoyed at the number of fake profiles, annoyed at those whining about the absence of real men, and annoyed I probably won't have a date next weekend, LoL!  No, it's not that annoying although I did groan after looking at my apps this afternoon.  I wonder how long this drought will last?

Entry 4, The Next Kiss

So, I had been putting myself out there, using the apps, and going on a few dates here and there.  It had been about 18 months since my ex had left me and not quite 2 months of being back in the dating game.  Any issues with being seen in public with another woman were diminishing and I found it comfortable to be checking out those who struck me as attractive.

I had met Lady7 and been on 2 dates with her already.  They were simple lunches, you know just trying to take advantage of whatever free time we had.  I found myself liking her more and more.  She was a little bit of a geek and had a charming voice.  I loved hearing her talk and listening to her laugh.  Yes, things were moving in the right direction.  I had a free Saturday and invited her to spend the day with me.  Fortune smiled on us because her kids were also out.  I picked her up and we spent a low key afternoon together.  We did nothing extravagant but I could sense we were really enjoying our time together.  We ended up at her house for maybe 30 minutes.  Her kids would be home soon and out of nowhere I felt this impulse to kiss her.  So, I looked for signs if I could make the move.  We were saying our goodbyes and all those platitudes we share for a nice day together.  I noticed she had her eyes locked on me, her pupils were growing larger, and I could see her blushing just a bit.  Yeah, I was going to kiss her.  And, when I noticed a pause in her speaking, I moved in and did it.  After pulling back and opening my eyes, I could see her smile and I moved in again for another one.  This time I extended the duration and put my arm around her.  So nice, I left her house feeling wonderful.

I remember that elated feeling persisting throughout the evening.  It had likely been 4 years since I kissed a woman and I forgot how special it was. 

Entry 3, App Advice

I've been considering the possibility of moving this blog to YouTube or some other video service.  I don't mind being in front of the camera and relating whatever subject crosses my mind.  Upon further consideration, I scared myself when I thought of the fact my face would be there for all to see.  I mean, I wouldn't have a problem talking about anything other than dating.  But let's face it, I'm out there offering my opinions and experiences while still trying to land dates...that could lose a problem.  It's not like I'm cruel or offensive in what I'm doing but I know all to well how easily people want to be offended...especially online with the apparent comfort of a screen separating them from whom they are attacking.  Still, I thought I should search the net and see what others are saying about dating apps and landing dates from them.

I found a TED Talk on YouTube.  It was a brief presentation made by a woman I thought was extremely attractive.  She did have a somewhat prickly demeanor but she was physically attractive.  She introduced an idea she called the "zerodate."  To my surprise it was something I practice in general myself.  The general idea is that you are direct and charming in communicating through the app.  She suggested that one say something more than "hey" or "hi," make a direct and specific comment about the other person's profile, and then try to arrange a face to face encounter sooner than later.  Great advice if you ask me.  Perhaps that's because I came up with that on my own (sorry, sometimes I do have to pat myself on my back). 

Her next point focused on having the first meeting as an hour-long or less encounter.  She said the only thing you should try to figure out is if you want to have a dinner date with this person.  This reminds me of something that Lady1 mentioned when I was asking her to meet.  She called this encounter a meet-and-greet.  I think this a great term.  See, my failed date with Lady1 wasn't a total loss.  I continue to use the term "meet-and-greet" as I arrange first encounters.  Anyways, this lady giving the TED talk claimed that most people know within 30 seconds that they have a connection with another.  I stopped for a moment because this touched on a significant subject for me, something I will dedicate at least one post to.  But, I resumed the playback somewhat agreeing with her.  I don't know that I can identify a connection with someone within 30 seconds, but I definitely know if I want to see her again within an hour and that was her point.  We can't know if someone is the "one" through the apps and we likely can't from our meet-and-greet, but this is part of dating...the gather-your-info-and-exchange-information part.

The presenter ended her talk by saying that if the zerodate went well, you should arrange another date before parting.  If it didn't go well, then say why, give your thanks and walk away.  I was amazed at the talk.  I was thinking, "wow great minds really do think alike!"  What she said made great sense and I knew it worked for me.  Obviously I was encouraged by her validating my approach.  So I went to read the comments and I don't think I found one that was complimentary towards her at all!  She was torn to pieces by all sorts of individuals who somehow knew her type or knew that her advice was useless.  It shouldn't be tough for you to imagine some of the terms that were used to describe her.  With that, I figured I need to be extremely sure of myself if want to do any videos myself.  Granted, I won't get the traffic she did by having her thing as a TED talk, but yeah, thick skins... thick skins.

Entry 2, Delays and a Beginning

I thought it would be easier to post on here, and now I've found myself going a whole month without posting anything.  I use the dating apps often, and I go on 2 or 3 dates each month, so I do have much to relate.  Perhaps I should go back and share my first date and hope that will get me writing more frequently.

By September of 2017, I had decided to begin dating again.  I didn't have the intent of finding another wife necessarily, I simply wanted to go on dates and move on from the failed marriage that was handed to me.  I had used dating websites prior to my marriage.  This was back in 2000-2001 and I was able to find an amazing girl and we shared a rewarding relationship for about a year.  I should add it was a LDR or long distance relationship.  We lived about 250 miles apart and learned to make it fun and worthwhile, but LDR's are a topic for another day.  Anyway, my relative success with online dating in the past led me to try again post-marriage.  I found a website, created a profile, and started seeking.

In November of that same year I was trading notes with an attractive lady.  Let's refer to her as Lady1.  Our exchange of notes was about daily in frequency.  Nothing long winded, just simple notes sharing bits of who we are and about our past.  After about 2 weeks, we decided we needed to meet.  We agreed to a public location and the date was set.  This was my first date in years and yet I felt comfortable and excited.  I arrived at the place and noticed she was already there.  I approached her and introduced myself.  Within seconds I received a look that's difficult to describe here in words, but I immediately knew she was NOT interested.

In my mind, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue with the date even though a part of me was screaming, "you know what this is, get out, GET OUT!" We had planned to go for a walk together and that's what we did.  30 minutes of awkwardness.  Afterwards, I thanked her for meeting with me and said I'd be in touch.  On my drive back to work, I realized she had said 5 words--FIVE!  Yeah, she's not interested. 

My family was excited to hear how it went.  I related what had happened and many said maybe this lady was just having an off day.  I sent Lady1 a message that night thanking her for the meeting.  I also shared that I felt she seemed distant or off but that I wanted to continue visiting.  I never heard from her again.

I'll never know for sure why Lady1 so quickly lost interest.  She had seen current pics of me and we seemed to have a connection, judging from the notes we were sharing.  And yet, within seconds of meeting me, she had checked out.  It could be said my first date was a failure, but it didn't diminish how I felt coming into this date and I was excited to continue my efforts.

Entry 1, an Intro...of Sorts

Today is Mother's Day and I am looking forward to having lunch with my mom later.  That is one "date" that doesn't carry a lot of anxiety or baggage.  Now that I am 42, visiting with my own mother about my dating life is perfectly fine--nothing like it was as a teenager or even in my 20's.  She'll ask questions about who I am visiting with on apps, how my actual dates have fared, and looks at any pics I have taken along the way.  She was also dating in her early 40's, but as a widow and not a divorced individual.  This allows for a more candid conversation between her and I.  Fortunately, her input has been a great benefit as I attempt to meet other women because frankly, women are as difficult to understand as they ever were!

So, I suppose there ought to be a few things I need to reveal.  I have basically been divorced for 3 years.  I say "basically" because she left me for another man 3 years ago and the divorce wasn't finalized until about 7 months later.  I am LDS, aka a "Mormon" so there are specific and peculiar details about my divorce and circumstances being a divorced Mormon man that play their part as I cope with a failed marriage and being in the dating pool yet again.  These details will pop up from time to time as I work on this blog.  I try to avail myself every opportunity to meet women so I attend singles groups (albeit rarely at the moment), have family and friends set me up on dates, and use a variety of dating apps.  I tell you, if it weren't for these apps, I doubt I would have any dates at all!

As I share my experiences, there will be rants and raves, opinions--oh goodness there will be opinions, and what I think are a good share of successes.  My sincere purpose for this blog is to have it read, have its readers offer their experiences and constructive advice, and to have an open conversation about what it's like for men in their late 30's and 40's, regardless of their circumstances, to be dating.